Closure

As time has passed in my life, there are things that I start really thinking about. Some things I start to regret, some things I wish I could change, and some things I wish I had taken more time to enjoy. All through high school, all I could think was that I wanted to get out and grow up and be on my own. I now wish for all the drama. I wish for the simplicity of high school. The homework, the care free, easy going, fun times with friends. It was so easy to have friends then, even when you were fighting with them, you knew that eventually it would all work out and be ok. Things are so different now. I'm coming up on my 21st birthday, the one you're supposed to enjoy with a ton of friends, and the birthday that is supposed to make you take the next day off work, just to recover. It's the birthday you wait a good portion of your life for, and now I wish it will just pass. I don't want to do anything for my 21st birthday. The reason? Who would I celebrate with? I have Shawn, he's the obvious answer. But it's come to my attention recently, that there's only a small handful of people who might be available to join me on the day. If there's even a handful. I fear that in recent months and in the past couple of years, I have burned too many bridges with people, and not kept in touch like I should have. I've been greedy and selfish, and now, I feel the sting and pain of the consequences. It's amazing how the tide can turn. I now know what I would have done differently. And what's sad is that it's taken me two years to learn this. I know that I still wouldn't have been able to make everyone happy, but maybe I would be happier now with my past choices, had I tried a little harder. Here I am, almost 21 years old, just now getting my grades on track at a community college, after failing for 3 semesters in a row. After so many lies surrounding those 3 semesters. Finally, after 3 semesters of acting like I had it all figured out, I'm starting to really figure out where I'm at, and where I still need to go. I'm one month away from my 21st birthday, and I'm dreading it. Mainly because I feel like the three birthdays prior to this one, have been wasted on selfish acts and decisions.

I wish I had magic words that would fix everything, but all I can say now, is I'm sorry. I'm sorry to those who've needed to hear it from me and haven't. I'm sorry for lying when I have, sometimes directly to your face. I'm sorry for making you feel unimportant, and used. I'm sorry for all the petty fights we had. I'm sorry for not keeping in touch and for not being there when you needed your friend. I'm sorry for the months we let pass, with no talking. I'm sorry for being one of the worst friends I could possibly be. I'm sorry for the confusion. I'm sorry for the over reactions to small jokes that were made to be funny. I'm sorry for the nights that were meant to be shared between friends, that were spent alone, because all I could think about was me. I'm sorry that in recent months, I've regressed back to being selfish and greedy in my ways. I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for how I handled the situation. I'm sorry that when I got scared, I decided to run, because that was the easiest way out for me. I'm sorry that on your special day, I could still only think about me. I guess some things don't change. Until now. I see now, all the wreckage behind me. I see now, what I did wrong. I knew it all along, but I lied to myself and justified my actions. I know that I hurt many, and I know that some of you reading this, know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm sorry that I hurt you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you. I've caused a lot of hurt. And those apologies only cover my friends, or those I was lucky enough to call my friends while I had them. The apologies don't even go into the hurt that I've caused my family. I've had a very humbling few days. I know that some of the burned bridges, will never be rebuilt, for the connections have been severed. I know that some bridges have the hope of a rebuild, but they will never be as strong, or what they used to be. There are things I regret greatly, and I'm so sorry.

For those who might be reading this, who have yet to get past their high school years, hold on tight to what you have. I know it's such a cliche to say to hold tight, but it's so true. I know the drama, and I know the difficulties of high school. The pressures, and the stress, and the importance of friend ties. I know it all, and I've lived it all. Don't rush to get out. Trust me. Maybe one day, when you are a few years out of high school, you will look back and know what I'm talking about. I just hope that you don't have the same regrets, or as many regrets as I do. I also hope that you don't have to apologize to so many. It shouldn't be this way. Maybe if I had tried earlier, things would be different now. Maybe I would be looking forward to my upcoming birthday. I know one thing. This wish is especially wished for my little sister. Jordan- you have so much to offer. You are an amazing singer, and you have such an awesome personality. Don't let it go to your head though. Keep the confidence in your heart, so your intentions remain true. You are very talented, but you, nor any of us, are better or higher above anyone else. There are days when you will feel like the world is your stage and you couldn't be on a better ride. And there will be days when you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Trust me, I've been there. Just remember, that every day is new, and with God's blessings, everything will be made new again. You have two older sisters who love you so much. We will always be here for you. Lindsay- you have always been my inspiration, role model, and my best friend. For almost 21 years, I've looked to you for everything. I watched you when you didn't know I was, just to see how you handled situations. I'm constantly impressed with what you do on a daily basis. You are a super mom and a super wife. You notice and enjoy the smallest things. Even the simplest days at home spent with your boys, make you the happiest. I don't know how you do it. I swear that God knew when He thought up this brilliant mess of me, that I was going to need an amazing older sister to keep me on track. He couldn't have made a better one for me. I love you so much, and you will never know the extent of that. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I've done.

There isn't much more to say, except that I hope this is some kind of closure for those who need it due to the hurtful things I've done.

Day 2

Ok, next update. Dad had his first day of chemo yesterday. It went really well. Took longer than it normally will, only because the nurse had to go through all the information we'll need to know for the future cycles. It was a lot to listen to and take notes for, but I think I got a pretty good grasp of everything. Today he was there at 8:30 am and it's now 6:00 pm and he should be finishing up as I type this. Long day and I know he's tired from sitting and doing nothing. He gets a dose of steroids with each treatment, which gives him a ton of energy. I got off work last night and went home to the house completely clean. Jordan looked at me and said, "I don't know what's wrong with him." It was so funny to see him like that. We'll see if the steroids do the same thing today or if he will be more tired.

One of the things the nurses are worried about are sores in his mouth. Three of the four drugs commonly cause sores which can migrate down his GI tract if he doesn't keep them under control. We went to Walmart and got mouth rinse and the nurse gave us a recipe for a rinse that is supposed to help prevent them and keep them clean once he does get some.

He got to see Dane today. Dane had a treatment at 11:00 am, and I told him that if I had to come up there and sit with him and Dane to keep them out of trouble, I wasn't going to be happy! I think he was on his best behavior.

Thank you all for all of your prayers, thoughts, and support. It means so much to us. For now, the only thing to do is to keep praying. He is still moving lots and we are going to try our best to keep him active and going. Pray for patience for us and him as we go through this, and as it starts to get difficult.

We went to Dad's appointment today to start chemo. Dad is going to start a chemo treatment called MVAC. It stands for Methotrexate, Vinblastine, Adriamycin, and Cisplastin. It is the strongest and most effective form of chemo for bladder cancer. He will go through 3 cycles of chemo, and after 2 he will go back to the surgeon at KU med center to see how he's responding and to do more tests. Each cycle will be 28 days. Day 1 of each cycle will be a 45 minute treatment of just the methotrexate. Day 2 will be a 9 hour treatment of the vinblastine, adriamycin, and cisplastin. The cisplastin is the potent drug that will make Dad sick and is probably going to be the toughest. Day 3 he just goes and gets a shot that will help keep his white blood cell count up. Day 15 and day 22 will be a treatment of the methotrexate and the vinblastine. He will have lab work done each week. This is going to be a long road, but we will make it through it. Please pray for strength and pray for encouragement for Dad. This is really hard for him, especially since he will lose all hair he has, including his beard, which makes us all kind of sad. We have lots of support though and we are going to take things just a couple days at a time.
Dad is also going to be participating in a clinical trial for a drug that might help his nausea. He won't know if he's getting the actual medicine or if he's getting the placebo. It will only last for his first cycle of chemo, and he will only have to take this for 5 days starting on his second day of treatment. Hopefully the nausea won't be absolutely unbearable.
We are really hoping this passes quickly. Keep praying and I'll try to keep updates coming via my blog.

Another Day...

Sorry that it's been awhile since I've blogged. I know that I need to update. Dad met with the oncologist and him and Mom didn't like what they heard, so Mom set an appointment for Dad to meet with a surgeon from KU med center in Kansas City. He had his appointment with that doctor this past Friday. The doctor said that the best thing to do right now is to do a couple of rounds of chemo. He goes back to the oncologist tomorrow to start the chemo. Mom is out of town right now, so I'm gonna take mom's place at the appointment. I have to take lots of notes and listen and ask questions when I feel like they're needed.

On top of everything, Jordan and I are sick. With Dad starting chemo tomorrow, Jo and I need to be as healthy as possible in order to keep Dad healthy. Dad's doctor told him that this kind of chemo could make him very sick. There are some things that he can do to help feel a little better though. Drinking a lot of fluids, like juices, getting some exercise, and just staying active can help keep Dad better. We went to Dillons today and stocked up on juice and soap and sanitizer. We're probably gonna get Dad a membership at the MRC so he can start working out and staying active. This will also help with his recovery time after the removal surgery.

On a lighter note, I had a great time watching the boys this past weekend while Len and Linds were in Vegas. Braeden has started walking by himself mostly. We're definitely excited about that! I love getting to see those boys and I love getting to spend time with them. I did get sick while I was up there, but I made it through. Anyway, I need to get some sleep considering I am sick. It's off to bed for me.

Some relief

So after a week of extreme stress in our family, I think that things are finally calming down. We were all able to sit down and have some family time Saturday night for Mom's birthday. We had Mike and Patricia over for tacos and strawberry shortcake and ice cream. Mom got a Kindle for her birthday, which we think she will really like and use a lot. Shawn got her some flowers and a box of orange sticks, which are her favorite things in the world. The stress seems to be subsiding, which is a blessing. Thank you for all of your prayers. Grandma got to go home on Sunday, her pain is tolerable and she is able to eat! Hallelujah! Jordan, Shawn and I went to go see her Saturday morning and the improvement from Friday evening was incredible. It's amazing what one good night of rest and sleep will do for someone. The doctors said that the pain may very possibly be off and on for the rest of her life. But they said that can be managed with pain meds at first and then hopefully tylenol after that.

So this week we are tackling Dad's oncology appointment. Thursday morning is the day for that. But we are focusing on the positive and hoping that the oncologist will tell us all good things.

Lindsay and the boys will be down Friday. And we have a birthday party for Mom, Aunt Lisa, and Uncle Jimbo on Saturday. Saturday is also Grandpa's birthday (Dad's dad). So everyone wish him a happy birthday! It will be good to have Lindsay and the boys down for the weekend. I know Lindsay was relieved when the doctor said that Grandma would be ok to see the boys, since they haven't had chicken pox yet. So we have a week full of preparation for a busy weekend. But we love those weekends.

I want to say thank you to Shawn for being there for me. Through this past week especially, He has been there, holding me up so that I would be strong enough to help hold up those in my family that really needed it. I am so lucky to have someone who knows just what to say when needed and knows when to just say nothing when needed. I love him so much. My family has been through a lot, and we are still battling, but I know we will make it through. We just have to keep supporting each other and we will make it. Keep praying and thinking positive for us! Thank you

Healing Rain

So we found out today that Grandma can't come home until Sunday. They are pushing her back a couple of days because right now she is having trouble keeping her anti-viral medicine down. We are praying hard that she will be well by this time next week because Lindsay will be here with Dylan and Braeden, and if Grandma still has shingles, the boys won't be able to be around her because they haven't even had chicken pox yet. We are praying for several miracles right now.

Also, one of our good friends from Mulvane, Dane, is in the hospital. There are several problems he's having due to the chemo treatments he's been receiving. Dad went and saw him today at the hospital to offer encouragement and strength.

I am specifically pleading for prayers for Mom. She is stressed to her max right now and I know she is trying as hard as she possibly can to be strong and not let it show, but I know that she has to be close to her breaking point right now. If you know Mom, she is not an emotional person, and doesn't "talk about her emotions" very often. It's just not her personality. But that's one of many reasons we love her, because it makes going to her with important decisions easy, because she can distinguish between and good decision and just doing something for emotional reasons. We aren't sure what to do for mom right now, because she will just tell us that she doesn't need anything. But she does. She needs to be surrounded by your prayers. Prayers of encouragement, prayers for strength, and prayers for understanding. She is always the first to step up to bat for others, so I'm begging that all of you reading this will step up to bat for her. (The softball reference is for you, Mom.)

As I sit here and write this, outside it is pouring. Usually I like watching the rain, but today I really want to be out in the middle of it. Letting it wash me clean and pour peace over me. Through all these hard times, peace is something that our family desperately needs. I know that so many are praying for us and many join the battle each day. I just ask that you add Mom to all those prayers. She needs them more than ever.

Some days are harder than others...

So all of Dad's scans came back clear. Well, except for the cancer we already know about. It hasn't spread any. In fact, the doctor got so much of the tumor when Dad had his biopsy, the cancer spot didn't even show up on the scans because it's embedded in the muscle wall of the bladder. The next step is to go see an oncologist. I don't remember the name of the oncologist that he's going to see. After the oncology visit there is a chance he might go through some chemo prior to the removal surgery. It depends on what the oncologist thinks. The only that did show up on the scans from last week, were that Dad's lymph nodes are enlarged. There is a possibility it isn't the cancer, but there is a possibility that it is. Which is why we are going to see an oncologist. After that visit and possible ordeal, Dad will go back to his urologist, who will then re-evaluate the situation and then it's up to Kansas City to see Dr. Thrasher for the removal surgery. I don't remember the name of the procedure that they are doing, because it's way too long. I do know that I had a mini break down this afternoon while talking to Dad. I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of weeks. Through all the highs at church, and then through all the lows and the better news with Dad.

On top of all the stress our family is going through, my Mom's mom was taken to the hospital Sunday morning with shingles, and she had been sick and not eating since Friday. With all the stress, this is the last thing Mom needs, is more stress. Grandma is getting better, slowly, but the doctors hope to start her on oral meds tomorrow so she will be able to go home Friday. For those of you who have never met my grandmother (on Mom's side) she is all of 90 pounds (if that) is short and very fragile. She has emphysema, COPD, arthritis, and a number of other health issues. Adding one more sickness, especially one where she isn't eating, is something that scares us all.

Prayer is such a powerful thing. Prayer (and treatments) have healed my Dad before. It is something that we firmly believe in as a family. My prayer is that through all of this stress and through all these struggles, we become closer as a family. Not just the extended family, but in my immediate family. I pray that we grow closer than we ever have been. My grandma is one of the most important people in my life. Without her there are so many things that I wouldn't know, and so many things that I wouldn't have the confidence to do. She has been my inspiration and my biggest fan for 20 years of my life, and I know that she will continue to be for the rest of hers, and will then join my namesake in Heaven and watch over me until I join the both of them. It scares me so much when she gets sick or isn't doing well. She is so important to me and I couldn't imagine this life without her.

I am continuing to pray daily and hope that all of you are too. Please pray for Dad, for Mom with all the stress she is dealing with, for Jordan and I, for Lindsay and Len and the boys, for Grandma and Papa, and for Uncle Jimbo taking care of them. Please also pray for my ministry at my church in Ark City. We are going through some big changes, and I ask for prayers for guidance and patience through all the changes. My personal ministry is changing from just music ministry and starting to expand to some youth ministry as well. So please be in prayer. Thank you

The Father's Arms

As I go through my days, there are times when I'm feeling a little sadder than usual, and I find myself rocking back and forth, almost as if I'm being rocked by a parent. I start to feel comforted and at peace. I know that this may sound silly, but it's almost as if I'm in God's arms and He is the one rocking me back and forth and giving me that comfort. It's something small, but very significant. The past couple of days have been pretty good. I've had a lot of stuff to keep my mind off the present situation. I've been planning a lock-in and preparing for Praise in the Park. Although the impatient feeling never subsides. Waiting on results has been the story of our lives lately. It seems like we are always waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for the weather and the storm to subside. Last night as the storms came through, usually I have an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I had an immense sense of peace pouring over me. I knew that God would bring us through that storm, just as He is bringing us, slowly but surely, through this storm. I still don't know why, and I probably never will until I meet face to face with the Great Creator, but I know that whatever the outcome and whatever the results, as a family, we will make it.

Starting over

So the past year of my life has been, to say the least, a roller coaster of emotions. I knew that once Shawn was put back in my life by God, that there was a plan in motion. Something was going to happen, or several somethings, and whether they would be good or not, had yet to be seen. I got a great job at Family Video, where they were willing to work with my fixed schedule from the Rec Center. They were also willing to allow me Sunday mornings off, since I have a 45 minute drive to and from my church. Point for the good side. Things started happening at my church. Such as, we are moving in a direction to reach outside of our four walls and grow our ministries. Another point for the good side. Everything was looking up! And then last Thursday we got the dreadful news and the Doctor used that awful C word. The cancer is more advanced and more aggressive this go-round. I broke into pieces with that news. It seems like after all the progress we made as a family through all of Dad's treatments and appointments, everything just started over and we were back where we started, except in a worse position this time. I don't know why this has happened to our family. I find myself asking that question a lot. Yesterday, I fasted. Hoping that through my sacrifice and prayers throughout the day, that an answer would be given to me. Of course, I'm not being patient with God, and until I am, He won't give me any answers. Even still, the question haunts me and looms over my head. I know that God is here, and I know that He has His arms around my family, but at times, it feels like that's not enough. I know He has the power to heal Dad and take away this suffering, but I can't wrap my head around why He won't.
In everything there is a reason. This I know, and have always known. One of the reasons that Shawn is back in my life is because God knew how much I would need the extra support through this time. I don't like God's plan sometimes. It kinda sucks, to be honest. But I know that if He leads us to it, He will lead us through it. And when we come out on the other side as stronger people, and as an even stronger family, we will know that it is good. Because God said it is.
Jeremiah 29:11- "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'"