Closure

As time has passed in my life, there are things that I start really thinking about. Some things I start to regret, some things I wish I could change, and some things I wish I had taken more time to enjoy. All through high school, all I could think was that I wanted to get out and grow up and be on my own. I now wish for all the drama. I wish for the simplicity of high school. The homework, the care free, easy going, fun times with friends. It was so easy to have friends then, even when you were fighting with them, you knew that eventually it would all work out and be ok. Things are so different now. I'm coming up on my 21st birthday, the one you're supposed to enjoy with a ton of friends, and the birthday that is supposed to make you take the next day off work, just to recover. It's the birthday you wait a good portion of your life for, and now I wish it will just pass. I don't want to do anything for my 21st birthday. The reason? Who would I celebrate with? I have Shawn, he's the obvious answer. But it's come to my attention recently, that there's only a small handful of people who might be available to join me on the day. If there's even a handful. I fear that in recent months and in the past couple of years, I have burned too many bridges with people, and not kept in touch like I should have. I've been greedy and selfish, and now, I feel the sting and pain of the consequences. It's amazing how the tide can turn. I now know what I would have done differently. And what's sad is that it's taken me two years to learn this. I know that I still wouldn't have been able to make everyone happy, but maybe I would be happier now with my past choices, had I tried a little harder. Here I am, almost 21 years old, just now getting my grades on track at a community college, after failing for 3 semesters in a row. After so many lies surrounding those 3 semesters. Finally, after 3 semesters of acting like I had it all figured out, I'm starting to really figure out where I'm at, and where I still need to go. I'm one month away from my 21st birthday, and I'm dreading it. Mainly because I feel like the three birthdays prior to this one, have been wasted on selfish acts and decisions.

I wish I had magic words that would fix everything, but all I can say now, is I'm sorry. I'm sorry to those who've needed to hear it from me and haven't. I'm sorry for lying when I have, sometimes directly to your face. I'm sorry for making you feel unimportant, and used. I'm sorry for all the petty fights we had. I'm sorry for not keeping in touch and for not being there when you needed your friend. I'm sorry for the months we let pass, with no talking. I'm sorry for being one of the worst friends I could possibly be. I'm sorry for the confusion. I'm sorry for the over reactions to small jokes that were made to be funny. I'm sorry for the nights that were meant to be shared between friends, that were spent alone, because all I could think about was me. I'm sorry that in recent months, I've regressed back to being selfish and greedy in my ways. I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for how I handled the situation. I'm sorry that when I got scared, I decided to run, because that was the easiest way out for me. I'm sorry that on your special day, I could still only think about me. I guess some things don't change. Until now. I see now, all the wreckage behind me. I see now, what I did wrong. I knew it all along, but I lied to myself and justified my actions. I know that I hurt many, and I know that some of you reading this, know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm sorry that I hurt you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you. I've caused a lot of hurt. And those apologies only cover my friends, or those I was lucky enough to call my friends while I had them. The apologies don't even go into the hurt that I've caused my family. I've had a very humbling few days. I know that some of the burned bridges, will never be rebuilt, for the connections have been severed. I know that some bridges have the hope of a rebuild, but they will never be as strong, or what they used to be. There are things I regret greatly, and I'm so sorry.

For those who might be reading this, who have yet to get past their high school years, hold on tight to what you have. I know it's such a cliche to say to hold tight, but it's so true. I know the drama, and I know the difficulties of high school. The pressures, and the stress, and the importance of friend ties. I know it all, and I've lived it all. Don't rush to get out. Trust me. Maybe one day, when you are a few years out of high school, you will look back and know what I'm talking about. I just hope that you don't have the same regrets, or as many regrets as I do. I also hope that you don't have to apologize to so many. It shouldn't be this way. Maybe if I had tried earlier, things would be different now. Maybe I would be looking forward to my upcoming birthday. I know one thing. This wish is especially wished for my little sister. Jordan- you have so much to offer. You are an amazing singer, and you have such an awesome personality. Don't let it go to your head though. Keep the confidence in your heart, so your intentions remain true. You are very talented, but you, nor any of us, are better or higher above anyone else. There are days when you will feel like the world is your stage and you couldn't be on a better ride. And there will be days when you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Trust me, I've been there. Just remember, that every day is new, and with God's blessings, everything will be made new again. You have two older sisters who love you so much. We will always be here for you. Lindsay- you have always been my inspiration, role model, and my best friend. For almost 21 years, I've looked to you for everything. I watched you when you didn't know I was, just to see how you handled situations. I'm constantly impressed with what you do on a daily basis. You are a super mom and a super wife. You notice and enjoy the smallest things. Even the simplest days at home spent with your boys, make you the happiest. I don't know how you do it. I swear that God knew when He thought up this brilliant mess of me, that I was going to need an amazing older sister to keep me on track. He couldn't have made a better one for me. I love you so much, and you will never know the extent of that. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I've done.

There isn't much more to say, except that I hope this is some kind of closure for those who need it due to the hurtful things I've done.